My, what crazy eyes you have.

We have all been there.  We are at some type of social event, be it a bar or a party or whatever else qualifies as a social event.  We see this striking gal by herself and start to wonder.  First we check the finger.  Nope, not married.  Then we try to get in position for a full figure view.  Nope, does have a giant pear ass.  So, we start to put togehter our game plan.  How do we approach this one?  Do we do the walk by with the eye contact and just keep going by...to plant the seed?  Do we engage her in a quick, pointless banter and then walk away as fast as we approached (the ninja)?  Or, do we throw caution to the wind and simply walk up and actually have a conversation?  Whichever you choose, you are wrong.  Why?  Because the bitch has crazy eyes.  There is likely a reason anytime a hot girl is single and alone.  If we would have just listened to the warning signs our (upper) brain was sending we be better off.  Why does the lower brain always win.  The upper brain is like the lowly defense attorney throwing out objections hoping to help his case while the lower brain is the douchey judge that is type cast in every single law show and movie ever created.  "Overruled!"

Every year we fantasy drafters become smitten with the facade of some players.  We listen to all the experts that tell us how this is finally the year, or that this rookie is different han every other rookie...yadda, yadda, yadda.  That little sound in the back of your mind is telling you to wait, think about this a little more.  Why do we like this guy?  What happpens if he is the same guy he has always been and doesn't all of a sudden become a star?  What happens if he really is old and worn down and his production falls off a cliff (looking at your Ladanian).  I have prided myself on listeneing to the deep recesses of my rain and avoiding these guys.  Sometimes I have been way wrong and these guys would have done wonders for my team (Darren McFadden) but a lot of times I sleep better at night watching guys like Michael Vick and Larry Johnson sink other people's teams.

2012 Brady Quinn list:

Ryan Mathews - This one was too easy.  While initial rankings from experts was coming out I couldn't help but think what a perfect fit for my crazy eyes theory.  This porcelain doll was born with the same affliction as the Samuel Jackson character in unbreakable.  He was injured through college before finally having one breakout year.  he gets nicked tying his shoelaces before practice,  but, this year is going to be different.  he's in the best shape of his life.  he's going to be Tomlinson 2.0.  Nope.  Had him at 15 on my initial ranks.  Maybe I'll be the foll but...wait, what's this I'm seeing on TV.  mathews breaks his collar bone one carry into preseason?  Surprise.  This is the type of crazy eye's that only my buddyy Geoff could love.

Peyton Manning - If you think that he is going to light up the sky like it's 2007 you and I are on different pages.  It's not just the fact that his neck is held together by a couple twist ties and gorilla glue.  It's that plus the fact his offensive line is terrible.  He doesn't have reggie Wayne or Harrison or Clark.  Sure I like Decker but Thomas is not a good route runner and that is what Peyton looks for.  This guy is going to get hit more than he's used to.  Remember what Favre was like late in his career?  Chuck it anywhere as the pressure was coming to just not get hit.  Come week 8 or so, I can see that becoming a Peyton trait.  Sure, you get a few big weeks, but even Fitzpatrick will give you those and he's going way later.

Dez Bryant - Oh how do I hate thee, let me count the ways.  This guy is a piece of shit.  I can't see him making it through an entire season.  He'll either be injured or suspended.  The Cowboys have a terrible offensive line and if healthy (IF!!!), Miles Austin is manning more of a slot role this year.  Guess who Romom loves?  Yep, Witten and Austin.  Guess who he'll be looking for on short, Welker like, checkdowns as the pressure is coming?  No, it's not Bryant running 15-20 yard patterns down field.

Trent Richardson - This one hurts me because I just love the Crimson Tide.  In  PPR format I could see him bringing decent value due to some late game checkdowns while the Browns play catch up.  That's right, the Browns will be bad and they will be losing most games they play in this year as they position themselves for Matt Barkley.  guess what teams dont usually do when they are losing at the end, or in the middle, of games?  Run the ball.  if we see Richardson on the field for mop up work early in the season, PPR drafters will be rewarded.  But when they are down 10+ that first game, if Hardesty comes in to keep Richardson fresh, uh oh!

Tony Romo - This guy has the weapons to put up elite numbers.  That line is terrible and his receiving corp is a mash unit.  If he finds a way to make it all season, I just don't see him putting up top 10 numbers at his position.  I'll let someone else roll the dice.

Arian Nation

After years away, I am here to once again make myself look foolish to my legion of reader...yes, singular. This Saturday marks the annual rite of passage that is my keeper league draft party. We have upgraded from an 8 gallon to 16 gallon keg this year and will institute a new rule that requires a shot of Jameson for every time a person picks someone already taken. What this means is that we will be twice as drunk as we all were last year. My lovely wife is once again going to be serving up her bevy of excellent appetizers to help keep our belly's full so we can consume even more. She is a saint, although she is draft partied out so after the apps are done, she will be leaving us for the day. This will be our first time policing our own drunken asses in the wee hours of the night. Smells like trouble, and trouble smells like Ty. I have greased my way up into the top 4 picks with a shrewd trade of Dwayne Bowe, who I wasn't planning on keeping anyway. I felt like this put me in the drivers seat from day 1 as I already have Arian Foster as a keeper so it would assure me of getting two of my top 5, which I think is clearly light years in front of 6 and beyond. Well, the fantasy Gods do not like when people try to hoard the good players so of course Chris Johnson is holding out and in danger of missing playing time. Does my top 4 now become a top 3? Can I afford to take CJ and wait for him since I am already sitting on Foster for the low price of a 5th rounder? When this trade went down, I was on easy street. I would sit and just wait to see if it was Rice of Charles that fell to me at 4. I was sitting dead read and now I am trying to adjust to a Verlander-esque hook. Hopefully someone jumps on CJ in front of me and eases my mind.

What is my drafting strategy this year? I almost always go WR in 1st round. It has been Moss and Andre multiple times over the past few years. I love me some Andre in this PPR format but someone needs to tell him he's allowed to score double digit TDs. Roddy?? He is a man-crush of mine, but #4 is just too soon. Someone always does crazy shit in round 1 so maybe AP will magically fall to me or someone in love with a WR or Rodgers will make a last ditch trade offer to get my spot. Fine by me...

I still have the second pick in the 2nd round as that is my draft slot pre-trade. I am hoping one of my top 4 WR is still there. Seems crazy to think they might all be gone, but in this ppr league, the last half of the first has seen some WR runs in the past. I know I have no shot at Andre in this league at that spot, but I am hoping to see any of Calvin, Roddy or Fitz fall to me there. Is Kolb great, probably not, but last year was clearly the floor for Fitz as he was catching passes from arena league backups, so anything Kolb does brings Fitz enormous upside into play. Am I worried his play will drop off after he just got paid? No, he got paid huge once before and only got better. I watch this guys summer passing camps on the news here in Minny and perhaps no player in the NFL wants it more. Fitz seems the best bet to make it to me, but he's one year removed from being the #5 pick, so my league obviously loves him.

The Brady Quinn squad:
Michael Vick - I had him last year and traded him for Drew Brees. Is he capable of going for monster points any week? Yep, just not on my team.

LeSean McCoy - Because I hate the Eagles. No idea where it comes from, but for fantasy purposes, I hate the Eagles.

Reggie Wayne - Questions about Manning and he's becoming TJ Houshmanzadeh

MJD - I was right on with my prediction of the LT demise. Guess who's next?

Daniel Thomas - Maybe it's the two first names.

Jay Cutler - Simply a doucheburger

Joe Flacco - He's a game manager in a running offense with an average receiving corp. Am I missing something?

Marques Colston - It's because his knees are so bad that we have to live with the, "Is this the year Meachem breaks out" every single year.

Just not feeling anything witty today so I am just going to quit. See you in 3 more years. FACE

Go Patriots.

A 4' 6" guard/forward/center from Turlte Lake Elementary...

When I was a kid I had one of those plastic hoops that sits over the door and I was the most dominant bedroom baller I knew. I used to play the entire NCAA tournament bracket. I knew the names of starters, reserves and every stat that I could lay my hands on before the internet became a one stop shop. I would break my own heart with buzzer beaters as I still remember the day that Bobby Hurley hit a three from the other side of my bed to beat my beloved Runnin' Rebels. Perhaps I was foreshadowing what I still believe is the biggest upset to ever grace the tourney. You can have your Winthrops and Valpo's, that UNLV team was men playing boys and they had beaten the same Duke team by what seemed by 100 points the previous season.

My point to all this is when did I lose my way? Sure I still fill out my bracket for gambling purposes but no longer do I know what 6th man is best to bring in to cool off a hot shooter. Maybe it was the exuberance of youth but somewhere I lost any and all passion I have for basketball. I hate that ESPN force feeds 16 games a week. I actually went about 9 months w/out once turning on ESPN because I was so tired of the crap they feed us. But that is for another rant.

I think my disdain for basketball comes from the state I live in. Minnesota has always been a hockey state and it is my favorite sport to watch. But the basketball here has become unbearable. Sure the Gophers hired Tubby Smith to resurrect the program but the Timberewolves are still the worst, most over priced ticket in town. Until McHale is fired I will not turn on one more game. Twice last year I turned down free, fourth row tickets because driving and parking downtown wasn't worth it to me.

I have always been a sports fan, not just a hockey or football or baseball fan. I have watched curling and Rugby and Aussie football for hours at a time. I have watched numerous women's softball world series games. I have watched auto racing and figure skating and water polo. Point is, I love sports, all sports. Heck, I watched the Tour de France for a couple hours once. Why is it that I can no longer stomach watching basketball? Perhaps the two torn ACLs as a result of playing pick up games has also tainted me but I watch volleyball and baseball and my worst knee injuries have come as a result of those two sports.

I don't have a point to this post, just memories of days gone by when the soft Wilson basketball would swoosh and make half of the net fall off. Gone is Chucky Smith taking over in the 4th quarter. Gone are the days of the fab five running the floor and Jimmy King finishing off the break with a two handed jam. Gone are Mookie and Stacey King dominating inside and out. Steve Smith once scored 60 of his teams 75 points on 25 of 26 shooting. The only miss being at the buzzer in a lose to Missouri and 50 points from Doug Smith. Funny the things that stick out in my mind. I couldn't tell you pi or what a tangent or cotangent is but I remember those hard fought games in my bedroom. Oh the memories. Hopefully my son will experience a love for all sports and one day ask me for an above-the-door hoop so he can play his own NCAA tourney and maybe carry the Gophers to a national title.

choppin' wood

Remember when the Jags had this as their slogan until the punter tried to chop himself up so he could go on the IR and avoid those rigorous practice routines? I do to. This now pertains to my venture back into fantasy baseball. To say the season for both my squads got off to a slow start would be an understatement. In my head-to-head I started out 0-4! In my roto I bounced around the bottom three for the first few weeks as well. I am now happy to say that the ship has righted. I am on my way to my 4th consecutive victory to even the record at .500. I always knew this wasn't an 0-4 squad and realized that having the most points scored against you each week can crush your fantasy baseball dreams just as fast as it does in football.

The roto squad is a different story. Due to time zone differences we changed from a live draft to an auto-draft. This sucks for me since I like to draft more than I like to play. It is especially hard since my rankings are generally way different than those of Yahoo! or ESPN or sportsline. I just didn't have the patience to go in and make any wholesale changes. The only three guys I wanted were Hamilton, Verlander and Hamels, but where to rank them? So, I just didn't bother.
I hated the look of my squad right out of the gate and started to relentlessly pursue trades and scower the waiver wire. Since opening day I lead the league in transactions....have to lead the league in something right, and I have only three players remaining from the squad I "drafted". Those three being Cano, Hamilton and John Maine. Well, I am happy to say I have climbed all the way back up to second place thanks in part to FA wonders Nate McClouth, Carlos Quentin and Edinson Volquez. My pitching stafff has really started to heat up and considering Johan Santana is statistically my worst pitcher, the future looks bright. I have a mountain to climb to catch the guy in first, but it's a long season and his ridiculously hot team will start to cool off at some point...right?

I'm sure none of this will matter because as fall rolls around my obsession with fantasy football will kick in and I will forget my baseball teams even exist. I guess we'll just enjoy the ride and see what happens. Next time I may even write an article about my views on players and who will turn it around and who will fade away through the long, hot summer. Until then, Mark Schlereth sucks!